What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.
11YO: I wanna be a cutter when I grow up.
ME: You’re a wannabe cutter, huh? You might cut yourself with that razor sharp wit if you’re not careful.
I want to ring his friggin neck. So I drew on him with a marker instead… to make a statement.
4YO keeps calling his Koosh Ball a ‘Douche Ball’ in public, so I forgive him for being annoyingly hyper this morning.
9YO told me he wants to be a demigod for Halloween. Thank the Google gods I can look that one up.
If anyone knows a trick to stop my 2YO from playing chicken with heavy equipment, he and his skin will thank you.
I so love messing with my kids. It’s what they were born for me to do.
16YO: I swear I closed the garage door. I know I pushed the button…Well, maybe I just looked at the button…
“I fricking love you, Mom.”
(How can you not adore a 3YO that says that?)
ME: What are you watching?
8YO (watching YouTube video): Really cool easy multiplication videos!
ME: Wow, that’s neat! But how disappointing. Your DNA test is scheduled for Thursday.
8YO: Wait. I have to take a test for this?
ME: Yes, because you can’t be mine.
When I tell my kid, “Don’t let me catch you doing that again,” what I’m really saying is, “Get better at it so I don’t catch you again.”
9YO said, “[His] conception?! I thought you told me he was bestowed upon you magically by Dad’s little elf.”
(I wonder what TV show he stole that line from.)
My 15YO makes me so proud and yet I still fantasize about swinging a bat at his head on the regular.
(Like all of my kids and husbands and mothers and neighbors.)
ME: You don’t want to eat that.
4YO: Why you can’t eat that?
ME: Ear wax tastes gross. Not that I would know.
Biology never pauses to wonder if there will be expensive braces involved later. It just cracks open the egg and lets the party begin.
We play a cool game in our house that the 15YO introduced called “Guess When the Next Mood Swing Will Be?”
(But we’re all unwilling participants.)
I taught the 3YO to call his brothers ‘Butt Nuggets’ this morning, so my parenting is done for the day.
I grabbed my 9YO in a hug and said, “I like you too much to ever let go,” and he responded, “So THIS is what you’re like on a first date?”
I wasn’t online all day. I spent time with the kids, made phone calls, slept, got things done… It’s like I didn’t exist.
17YO: Did you hear me?
ME: It’s so embarrassing when I get caught with my ‘I don’t care’ face on.
The first time 2YO stretched out his uncircumcised penis and wrapped it twice around his fingers, I was mesmerized by his amazing elasticity.
I was like, “Wow, they don’t teach that at girl’s slumber parties.”
I was so envious of this cool party trick.
Imagine if my vagina could do that.
My uncircumcised vagina.
Of course, after four kids it’s possible that I can do that…
I told my 12YO what a ‘douche’ really is and what it’s used for. His reaction was awesome. I rule.
“I don’t think you paid enough attention to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and Sesame Street, asshole.”
(Me gently reminding my kid of the past.)
3YO is chirping, “Hi. How’s it goin? How’s it goin? How’s it goin?” with a pantyliner hanging off his cheek.
10YO TO ME: If you took your bra off right there, right now, your laptop would need to have an impact smart hard drive to survive.
ME: I’m sorry I was cranky, it’s got nothing to do with you, it’s because…
14YO: …because someone took her meanie pills this morning.
My hypothetical children NEVER act like my real children do.
I think 5YO said to his game, “Aww, you make me all mad and stabby…” and one can never be too sure with him, so I patted him down.
9YO: I love your small love.
ME: THANKS! Oh.. wait.. whaaaat???
16YO ABOUT 4YO: I thought it would be cool to have a brother just like me, but now I’m realizing I’m dealing with MYSELF.
ME: Just because I have four kids I’m judged… People think I must really like kids.
FRIEND: I think it’s the part that got you there that you like!
ME: Way to cut to the center of an issue!
Telling my 3YO to ‘quit being stubborn’ is like telling him I couldn’t really be his mother.
“I love you for it, even if I have no clue what you’re talking about. You rarely know what you’re talking about either, so I have no chance.”
(What the 11YO says is usually amazing, even if I don’t understand much of it.)
The best answer to any kid’s question: “I got nothin.”
And here are some more random examples of how I’ve answered some of my kids’ questions:
- It’s Hakuna My Tatas or something, right?
- I think most of my neighbors were born into toilets.
- I’m currently contemplating the mating habits of dust bunnies.
- Well if the Cat in the Hat’s so smart, let him change his own litter box.
- But then do skinny cows only make skim milk? I’m so confused.
- Because I have kids with half a brain, so I require smart dogs.
- But the bigger question is, why is ‘taint’ but not ‘aint‘ recognized by my spell check?
- Who needs cocaine when I have apple fritters?
- Sure, that’s a problem, but isn’t having a tongue like the coolest thing ever though?
My kids told me a long anecdote about how they believe Dora the Explorer is encouraging prostitution. It wasn’t quite stage-worthy, or appropriate, but I was proud of their creativity in premise and working together.
13YO is looking up practical things to say in Japanese in case he’s ever in need.
You know, like, “My brother has a penis rash.”
(He’s going to be so prepared for world travel someday.)
15YO: My finger’s like a worm. It wants to go places.
Check out the next convos page here.