Convos With My Kids (6)

What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this 
smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.

5YO SINGING: Suck it, suck it, suck it, suuuuuck it, suck it…
14YO: Don’t say ‘suck it’. That’s bad.
5YO: But it’s funny.


“I’m going kick your ass off!
I piss me ass off.
I piss me ass off. Aaarrgh.
I’m going kick your ass off!”
(3YO talking like a swearing parrot.)


“If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I don’t either. Just fill in the blanks yourself; it’s more productive than asking me again what I meant.”
(Sometimes I just give up trying to explain myself… again…)


14YO: I need a new hobby. Maybe one that makes money too.
ME: What if we started a theft ring? You know, what if we steal that laughing gas stuff from the dentist…


TODDLER pointing cell camera at siblings and pets:
Cheese Dack.
Cheese Dack.
Cheese Dack.
Cheese Dack.
Cheese Dack.
Cheese Ducker.
Cheese Ducker.
Cheese Ducker.
Cheese Ducker.
Cheese Ducker.
Followed up by “WHAD DO HECK?! Snot working, MOM!


KID: At least you shaved your legs.
ME: Yah, like 15 days ago, but I have soft hair so you can’t tell.
KID: Way to really sell yourself.


I want to donate my eggs to science, ’cause my kids are complete anomalies to be studied.
(For what I don’t know. That’s not the point. Focus.)


My kid saw my update about the not flushing thing.
He grounded me.
He says he’s going to sue Facebook.
He’s nine.


Apparently mentioning your 16YO’s hairy balls in the middle of a crowded area is frowned upon by said owner of said balls. Huh.


3YO keeps telling me to get his checkbook, find his checkbook, bring his checkbook… I hope it has more money in it than mine does.


My being told ‘you’re very fertile’ is never meant as a compliment like it might be for some Amish women. Or some pretty women.


“Aaah, I finally get to kick the womb again…”
(10YO resting his feet on my stomach.)


Dear 3YO,
Thank you for brushing your penis with your brother’s toothbrush and for regularly ‘penising people’ in our family. And thank you for the awesome penis trick joke I use. The crowd likes those stories. A lot.
All my love,
Momster


“STOP with the DRAMA!”
(4YO, wise beyond his years.)


My kids don’t mind sharing their Halloween candy with me because they understand the “Mom Tax” laws in this country.


9YO pointing at baby brother: “I blame the economy for his birth.”


Sometimes I think my 16YO is getting so mature but then he tells me he truly believes someone who told him there are cases of normal women impregnating themselves… and I don’t mean by artificial means, but biological.


He called his dad to snitch on me for having no chicken nuggets.
Remember when 3YO’s didn’t use cell phones?


The kids and I say some really funny dumb things about the nether regions…


Sometimes trying to talk to my 5YO is like playing a game of Telephone with a gorilla.


ME: Don’t beef stew your brother!
13YO: He likes it! Do you like it?
3YO: Yaaah! I fart you too.


Flies: Annoying.
Fly swatters: $2.
Swinging at your smart-mouthed 12YO with the swatter: priceless.


Though I am one funny bitch sometimes too, I think they make up for what I’m lacking: Funny, smart, good-looking, charming…


ME: Want to go as one of the Lost Boys for Halloween?
10YO: No, I want to be one of the Desperate Housewives.


Seems like when my 14YO does things specifically to irk me that he forgets I parent with my mental fists sometimes.


“That’s a lotta booger” is not really something I enjoy waking up to hearing my 3YO say with his finger hovering above my face.


I naturally assume boys and men are dumb until they prove me wrong. Except for my kids. Anyone that manipulative and funny is s-m-a-r-t.


ME: I love it when you take care of me.
12YO: I love it when you *try* to return the favor.


I have a mattress out front for free and my 15YO is napping on it, adorably like a neighborhood drunk.


2YO shoved his puppet in my face and I was like, “Your puppet smells like butt” which he then repeated and I clapped and cheered. Whoops.


It’s Thursday during break, so they’re finally down to the option of watching a movie or killing each other. They chose killing…


Zoo trip. I tried to show 5YO how to walk lazily and conserve energy, like me, instead of being a crack monkey. No go.


“Shuuut. The butt. Up.”
(4YO doesn’t like his 10YO sibling’s open butt I guess.)


ME TO 12YO: You would be great doing the sign-holding job on the corner for the class car wash. Getting attention. Like a prostitute.
12YO: What is it with you always talking about prostitutes?
ME: What is it about your personality that always makes me think of a prostitute?


I loved that I could use the threat of Facebook updates and picture tagging on my kids to get them to comply. It was a rite of passage, if you will, for my kids to tell me at least once a month, “Please don’t post that about me.” I totally did, thus thickening their skin and forcing them to exercise their use of coping skills. It was for their own good. It was for their future success! And it didn’t take long before they stopped complaining and started asking me why I’m NOT tweeting or Facebooking something.


ME: Put your shirt back on, please.
3YO: No, we have to fight the Ninjas.
ME: Well yah. But shirt first.


“If you do that again, I will remove your teeth one at a time with blows from a tomahawk. Love you! Mama”
(Text to my 13YO.)


7YO lost his second front tooth, so I made him say, “Jackson’s fuzzy baseball is on first” about ten times for good measure and a laugh at his expense. I never waste that chance. His dad had the 7YO on repeat with “Sally sells seashells by the seashore” because we torture children the same way.


“Why don’t you come over here and say that to my face, calculator brain?”
(Me appreciating my kid’s intelligence.)


13YO: It’s not like we had a choice coming out of you.
ME: I think your egg could have done a waaay better job trying to hide. Why is it YOUR egg was so motivated as to come down the pipe just then?


Check out the next convos page here.

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