Convos With My Kids (7)

What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this 
smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.

There are some really scary moments in a mom’s life.
Like when I screamed, “Don’t use those scissors near your penis!” to my toddler.


I was telling Baby Daddy about some cool things our 4YO did, and so the kiddo jumped in to be sure I mentioned him saying ‘son of a bitch’ because apparently he was proud of himself.


ONE KID TO ANOTHER: You were not going slow, you were going stupid.
ME: That’s a good one. I’m stealing it.


4YO yelled, “I’m God! I’m God! I’m God!” so yup, he’s definitely mine.


15YO: What’s with the rocks? (asking about my Facebook cover photo)
ME: I like them. It’s a fat chick on the beach made out of rocks.
15YO: Everything’s gotta be about a crazy lady or a fat chick with you.
ME: What do you think that says about me?
15YO: You’re a crazy fat chick?


I could have it wrong though, but 3YO sounds like he’s saying, “I see a squerf” and I just don’t see any squerfs in the house…


“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run…”
(Me about to explode on some mouthy teen of mine.)


15YO: You need to stop.
6YO: But mom likes it.
ME: I’m laughing, but you really do need to stop.
6YO: Okay, maybe tomorrow I’ll do it.
15YO: Such a smartass.
6YO: Yup.


2YO got mad at being forced to sit in the cart at Ikea so he started spitting on me and repeatedly yelled, “DON’T SPIT ME, MOM!” in front of as many other customers as he could.


“It’s your fault that I’m a dick, mom. You birthed me with a mental dick.”
(15YO always blames me for everything!)


Parents get exasperated and say stupid things sometimes. Trust me, “Go steal your own shit instead of mine” just doesn’t work.


14YO: Sorry I didn’t text you. But I thought about you while we were getting ready for sleep outside in our sleeping bags.
ME: That’s sweet. And romantic — like being under the same moon. Or some shit.


I’m counting the number of times my 12YO sighs dramatically in 10 minutes before I ask what’s up. We’re up to three in three minutes…


“I can always tell how many days in a row you’ve been at my house by how many pairs of dirty socks I find stuffed in my couch.”
(Me enjoying my 16YO’s company.)


Today I have no regrets that I wish my kids were mute.
And couldn’t move. Or breathe.
Okay.. so they can breathe, but dammit, stop the rest.


“Ohh, okaaay, little man. I’ll finish your fudge Pop Tart. But just one more time.”
(Me gladly taking one for the 3YO team.)


Zoo trip cost $9 a ticket for my 5YO to fondle every damn railing or wood post in the zoo.
And it cost me a $15 ticket to use every bathroom in the park.
(Animals? What animals?)


5YO’s TV show character said, “Pause for dramatic affect” so he paused the TV for a few seconds. He likes to keep it literal.


My kids are such funny little fuckers. I heart them so much.


When I pull up to the middle school, my 12YO is always surrounded by his best girl friends and some other random females. Often they swarm the car if my 15YO is inside (because he’s so cute, they say), so I dubbed them the ‘gaggle of twats’.
(Because I’m all about teaching the boys how to be appropriate to women. And actually, I am, but the gaggle thing is just funny…)


2YO banged his bean on the cement.
12YO is now calling him a unicorn.
2YO doesn’t approve.
(Ahhh, family time. And it’s not a day without head trauma here.)


ME: We’ve lived here for two years and you’re telling me you don’t know where the toilet paper is?
13YO: I usually make [10YO] do it…


If I say, “I don’t understand you,” I’m probably not looking for you to try to explain yourself.
(Me teaching the kids the value of reading a situation before making it worse.)


“Look at you go!”
(2YO cheering on my banana opening abilities.)


ME TO FRIEND: Whaaaat does it even mean when your 4YO son says he peed hot into the potty?
FRIEND: He’s on steroids. Tiny, adorable steroids.
ME: Hahahahaaaa…I think he was more impressed with his own body heat. Boys are cute and so ridiculous.


Logic fails my 16YO. It just absolutely fails him.
In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s allergic to logic. Like anaphylactic shock kind of allergic.


My kids know exactly how to get away with murder because no one has figured out yet that they’re killing me slowly.


ME: I’m afraid to see where this is going.
8YO: But you can’t see it ‘cause it’s already gone.


“You have one more minute to lose.”
(4YO sharing the iPod and his shitty attitude with me.)


11YO had one of those “A Christmas Story” F-bomb moments today… well close to it anyway.
(Much to the chagrin of his older brother, there was no beating or bar of soap as a consequence though.)


“I’m hyper. Time to go buy underwear. These are totally unrelated thoughts, yet so awesome when said together.”
(Me teaching the kids the value of really being able to concentrate on important matters.)


14YO: Sorry I didn’t text you. But I thought about you while we were getting ready for sleep outside in our sleeping bags.
ME: That’s sweet. And romantic — like being under the same moon. Or some shit.


‎3YO is ‘reading’ Garfield comic books out loud.
(But somehow I don’t think the Garfield cartoons are a mix of Eric Carle and swear words like he would have me believe.)


“You’re painting my butt!”
(Random 3YO outburst.)


Four boys? Just shoot me now. It’s okay… I have life insurance. It all goes to the dog, but I’m sure he’ll take care of the kids.


‎9YO TO 3YO: You’re gonna go to a party! You’re going to schmooze people and drink wine and eat cake and get aroused by many many women…


I shouldn’t smile and giggle every time my 17YO asks why I’m such a bitch.


Check out the next convos page here.

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