Convos With My Kids (9)

What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this 
smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.

“It’s kinda hard to do when your balls are swinging side to side… it feels kinda weird.”
(Another gem from 15YO.)


I asked 3YO why he’s naked and he looked at me like I was bananas for even wondering.


I don’t like to fight with my kids or get all over the top to get them to comply, but they’ll push me there by testing how far they can take me. I’m not made to be a martyr; it’s too much work. And yet.. There are those times!
Anyway, here are some more fantabulously effective (or not) phrases I’ve used disciplining my kids:

  • I have eyes in the back of my vagina. Don’t even try it.
  • Go to your room or I’ll give you the flicking of a lifetime.
  • All I’m saying is, someone better make me laugh tonight.
  • Someone is about to unleash the Gina beast if he keeps it up.
  • Let’s just pretend I’m not an asshole.
  • You have been slated for removal.
  • Look twice before you cross your mother.
  • I’m postponing your birthday until it works for me.
  • I has the need to spark some snark up in here.
  • I’m not addressing that issue now. What happens in the bushes, stays in the bushes.

ME: I’ll just hold my tongue here… Sthee? Holthing idt.
KID: Stop it.
ME: Sthtop what? Whathhs sthrong?


Listening to my 13YO’s stories is like plucking nose hairs. Both are incredibly painful and make my eyes water.


A very grumpy 2YO pulled his 8YO brother from a chair so he could sit in it, then pumped his fist and growled, “TOUGH GUY!”


4YO moved the seat in my car and now he has stumps instead of hands.


I said to my kid, “No, that dirt isn’t going to hurt your turtle, but it’s too dirty,” which made perfect sense to me at the time.
(It probably makes a lot of sense to any parent.)


5YO reams me out constantly for things I haven’t even done yet. So while he’s retching at me over doing something – anything – I’m both telling him I haven’t done it, hadn’t planned it, and I’m not going to take it anymore. I tell him, “NOT ANOTHER WORD,” so he gives me the side-eye, a head nod in the general direction, and points at whatever it was he was kvetching about, essentially getting the last word in anyway.


Did you know that buying from Amazon with my affiliate
link helps me pay for my kids’ freckles?
Thank you! They’re super adorable.


The reason I won’t take my family to Disneyland is financial since we’re 70% likely to be kicked out anyway and that’s just wasteful to my wallet.


I hoped, I prayed, I ignored it… but the day came when my 8YO son asked me what Daylight Savings Time is and I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY…


I’ve asked my 15YO to start wiping my ass now so he’s ready for my future as a geriatric.


I think there’s an IUD out there in some office somewhere just calling my name. I should listen.


10YO son wanted to go as a “very angry pregnant woman” for Halloween. “Pregnant diva,” he said. Ahead of time he was practicing being a hysterical pregnant woman, asking for candy for two, and complaining about how fat he is.

It was HILARIOUS.

10YO: I still need to go shopping for my Halloween costume.
ME: What do you need?
10YO: Like, a training bra, a dress, hair spray, false eyelashes, and a doll baby.
(Later at Goodwill I said, “It’s a sad state of affairs when the bra for your son’s Halloween costume is prettier than any of your own bras.”)

ME: So you told everyone you were Trick or Treating for two??
10YO: Yah, and at the last house I told them my water just broke.
ME: What did they say?
10YO: I don’t remember, I was too hopped up on candy.


Did you know that buying from Amazon with my affiliate link helps me pay for my kids’ freckles? Thank you! They’re super adorable.


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