How To Discipline Kids: “Don’t make me show you my angry face.”

How To Discipline Kids

I don’t spank my kids with anything more than sarcasm, so here are some fantabulously effective (or not) phrases I’ve used disciplining my kids:

  • I cobra strike you with my fingers. Pfft. Pfft.
  • I’m a mom. I can stare at you until it burns.
  • I suddenly have the urge to go cow tipping. And you’re the cow.
  • Don’t make me show you my angry face.
  • Nah, I’m just kidding. You suck.
  • I am filled with shock and awe. Shock and awe fill me.
  • I used to be a good mom. Don’t worry, I’m over it.
  • How about my kids stop fucking up my shit. How about that?
  • You don’t win points for making it look difficult.
  • Strike that from the record. The jury will disregard your statement.

I don’t like to fight with my kids or get all over the top to get them to comply, but they’ll push me there by testing how far they can take me. I’m not made to be a martyr; it’s too much work. And yet… There are those times!

Anyway, here are some more fantabulously effective (or not) phrases I’ve used disciplining my kids:

  • I have eyes in the back of my vagina. Don’t even try it.
  • Go to your room or I’ll give you the flicking of a lifetime.
  • All I’m saying is, someone better make me laugh tonight.
  • Someone is about to unleash the Gina beast if he keeps it up.
  • Let’s just pretend I’m not an asshole.
  • You have been slated for removal.
  • Look twice before you cross your mother.
  • I’m postponing your birthday until it works for me.
  • I has the need to spark some snark up in here.
  • I’m not addressing that issue now. What happens in the bushes, stays in the bushes.

Also check out How To Answer Kids’ Questions: “Just never you mind, kumquat!”

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