Ayeeee! This school year, the 9-year-old finagled a trumpet rental out of his dad to play in the elementary school band. And he thinks I’m a genius because I taught him how to use the mouthpiece.

But his eyes when I told him I used to play though, hahaha… He said he’d read my mind when choosing an instrument and, “I went back into your flashbacks…”

But really, it’s just because his friend plays the trumpet. And I knew it was going to be a multilevel mistake for this kid.

But first, how the hell did we get out of having him play the recorder and go straight to the trumpet? I mean, I’m not complaining.. that farking recorder has been the bane of my parenting elementary-aged kids for far TOO LONG.

The recorder is on my list of reasons to not have any more children. My overachiever 3rd child picked it up early on his own at 7-years-old just to torture me.

ME EVERY TIME ONE OF MY KIDS HAS BROUGHT HOME ONE OF THOSE DAMNED RECORDERS FROM SCHOOL.

Anyway, onward we went with the new trumpet on day one. And yup, it took only a couple of hours before he got in trouble for torturing the pets with it.

Because, 9 years old.

“Time for you to set sail on the sea of positivity,” I said to myself as we’d reached hour three of excruciatingly loud and bawdy trumpet noises. And by sailing, I actually mean I told him it was getting late and he needed to put it away until the next day.

As much as he talked himself into getting that instrument of the devil because his friend played the trumpet, I’m pretty sure the second most important reason he chose to play it is so he could make fart noises with it.

I want to be as enthusiastic and dogmatic about anything like my kids are about trying to get me interested in hearing fart noises. I mean, I never thought I’d get sick of hearing laughter. Until I had a 9-year-old obsessed with fart noises.

Luckily, he lost interest in the trumpet faster than most kids and we just had to slog through the rest of the school year carrying it on Fridays, not losing it, and dodging the music teacher about why he wasn’t practicing or coming to the performances.

Because we are awesome, neglectful parents, that’s why.

Also, we are at the point with child number four where we have an anti-terrorism policy. If the child “has” to do something for school that terrorizes him or us, we will do whatever we can to avoid it.

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