“My name is naked!” By Broccoli the Toddler

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Asking a male, “WHY ARE YOU NAKED AGAIN?!” meant something SO much different before I was the mom of boys.

For instance, there was a time when people asked how old my youngest was and I’d tell them ‘he’s in the naked years’ and if they had kids, they understood. When I said that to someone about my husband, they just thought I’d married a very old, confused man.

The first time the youngest stretched out his uncircumcised penis and wrapped it twice around his fingers, I was mesmerized by his amazing elasticity. I was like, “Wow, they don’t teach that at girl’s slumber parties.”

I was so envious of this cool party trick. Imagine if my vagina could do that. My uncircumcised vagina. Of course, after four kids it’s possible that I can do that.

But you know, I learned a whole lot from his naked years. Like when I used the hose on the patio and my clothes got covered with tiny ants that could only be remedied by taking them off and tossing them in the machine. Whereas he taught me just to go out there naked like he did and bypass the ant problem.

My neighbors were not a fan of my new watering wear, but I had fewer pest issues and found joy like only a toddler has with his schmeckle frying in the sun.

More naked toddler fun:

It’s official. The memo’s been written and sent. My two-year-old is living as a nudist now, and all that this entails.


Just so you know, my two-year-old thinks all penguins should be naked, even the stuffed ones. Dressed penguins offend him deeply.


The toddler got out of his shower, flung open his towel and said with a grin, “WELL HELLO, MOM!”
(He watched me do that yesterday to my mom.)


Toddler would like you to know two things: He’s naked. And he says it’s “sooo pretty!”


At two Broccoli has realized he can slightly retract his foreskin. He’s already got a few new tricks and is asking me to take pictures. I blame his father.


My youngest is truly inspirational.
After all, he inspired our family’s 2010/2011 breakout quote: “No penising people!”


Look at my stash!”
– My two year old retracting his foreskin.


Me: Put your shirt back on, please
3yo: No, we have to fight the Ninjas.
Me: Well yah. But shirt first.


My dad’s coming into town this weekend. Sorry kiddo, but he won’t be impressed by your retraction mastery. It will be diapers for you.


Most kids want to be an astronaut. Not mine!
“Mom, let me be a stripper!”


Three-year-old Broccoli just pulled out his penis, made me look, and said: “It’s so beetiful.” Boys are just born narcissistic, huh?


Me: Why are you naked?
3yo: I got the chocolate pudding.
Me: I think I’m finally beginning to understand you.


I asked him why he’s naked and he looked at me like I was bananas for even wondering.


The three-year-old likes to undress in front of his reflection. Parents never realize they have to worry about their boys becoming strippers someday too.


Dear son,
Thank you for brushing your penis with your brother’s toothbrush and for regularly “penising people” in our family. And thank you for the awesome penis trick joke I use. The crowd likes those stories. A lot.
All my love,
Momster


Did you know that buying from Amazon with my affiliate link helps me pay for my kids’ freckles? Thank you! They’re super adorable. 

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