What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.
Bring on the sister wives. I’m ready. These boys need some more mothers.
9YO: Turns out he had millions of frogs in his mailbox.
ME: That’s called puberty.
2YO: Mom, I ate my burger.
ME: No, what you ate was your booger. Next time go for a burger.
6YO finally lost his tooth. In his sleep. We have NO idea where it went.
I told his 9YO brother he would need to search the poop for the tooth, but he says he’s not a Poop Tooth Fairy.
My kids learned everything they know, but aren’t supposed to, from Family Guy. And me.
ME: Herpes would be such a cute name for your first baby. Too bad it’s already been used elsewhere.
17YO: Did you just say HERPES?!
11YO: I had a bad dream we were chasing a car and he got hurt…
ME: You know I don’t chase anything.
11YO: Except Toblerone.
Little boys need to be smothered. With love I mean.
TV COMMERCIAL: Is it difficult to get to the bathroom on your own?
3YO: Yes.
TV COMMERCIAL: Have you fallen in the past 12 months?
3YO: Yes!
TV COMMERCIAL: If you answered yes to these questions, you may qualify for a power chair or scooter…
3YO: OKAY!
“Judging by your atrocious behavior, I think you were potty trained too early.”
(Me in a serious discussion about Freud and Psych 101 with my child.)
10YO: Mom, when you’re in jail, do you ever get to change your underwear?
If my 4YO tells me again how big my underwear is, I’m going to have to add a huge sigh to the disapproving look I’ve been giving him.
ME: Please don’t put that next to my ear.
6YO: Sorry it was so close to your brain.
Every time I laugh out loud while on my laptop I still try to pretend it was something one of the kids said/did. They’re not buying it.
9YO: I don’t know if [2YO] spit juice or peed on me…
ME: Taste it and find out…
9YO: Yup, it’s juice. Maybe.
“Dammit. No rapture. Now I need to buy groceries for you guys.”
I caught my 14YO saying ‘I love you’ to my 11YO. I’ve tried to ruin them as best I can, but this is all I have to show for it.
7YO: Whatchadoin? Cooking?
ME: No, I have stuff on my mind. Like why are plastic mixing utensils and what we flip pancakes with both called spatulas??
I should teach parenting classes.
Or not.
16YO used the term, ‘don’t fret’ which makes me want to both hug him for being mature and give him a wedgie for being a dork.
When I’m talking to my son in public about ‘selling our babies,’ people don’t know I mean succulents, not humans. That’s the best part.
11YO: You got the good mom award today.
ME: I actually remembered your name. Today.
I’m thinking of abandoning my 15YO on someone’s doorstep with a basket, a blanket, a Pop Tart and a $5 bill.
I am SO glad I am getting some time away from the kids. It’s made me really miss their faces and antics.. and it’s downgraded me from Homicidal Momster Disorder to just Momster NOS (Not Otherwise Specified).
13YO told me he didn’t want me to lose weight, he likes me the way I am, and the fat looks good on me.
(Obviously, I’ve been trying to comply with his wishes.)
Even in this economy I,’ve kept my job.
Because I’m still a mom.
There’s probably no hopes of a layoff either.
Kids run hot and cold on moms all the time. It can be heartbreaking, or you can just do things to get attention, right? Here are some various statements I’ve made while seeking attention from my kids to get some more love up in here:
- I want to pollinate you with my bacteria.
- I meeses your fake keeses.
- If you don’t pet me enough I will run away.
- Have I told you lately that I like attention?
- Remember when you used to think I was cool, and that was cool?
12YO TO ME: Your toenails could be used as military weapons as is, or clipped and shot out of a gun.
Sometimes you have to look at these smart, adorable children and still wonder why THAT egg had to be fertilized.
“Dude. I’m so jealous. I wish I would have been a fan of Oprah instead of cursing her all these years…”
(15YO watching people get stuff on the Oprah show.)
I make my kids watch COPS as a ‘scared straight’ motivator.
Or, at the very least, they’ll learn how to be smarter criminals.
4YO ran off to the restroom at the pool. I don’t understand why he would leave a perfectly good pool for that.
“Today my oldest turned 16! I can’t wait to become adults together someday…”
(That was four years ago. Neither of us has made it to maturity yet.)
I did not eat my children today, despite bad intentions.
I said, “Generally speaking, true domestic terrorism in America comes from being a child or a family dog. I’m harboring terrorists at my house. My kids. Jihad every day, boys. When you’re a mom of boys (or a wife of men), any pair of underwear on the floor is a suspected terrorist.”
9YO: Mom, how dare you use me in a terrorism joke.
Your DVR is not what’s important. You should always take a few extra moments to cherish your children. Commercials provide those precious moments.
I think the toddler told me he’s constipated because of pizza and Netflix.
(I’m pretty sure he could accurately diagnose me with the same.)
16YO: I THOUGHT WE WERE LEAVING!
ME: When I say I need just a few minutes to get ready to go, you should realize a 2-hour nap first is also implied.
Once you’re in a gene pool, you can check out, but you can never leave…
“No one’s allowed to be moody in my life but me.”
(Me teaching the 16YO how to control his hormones.)
I’m seriously about to pluck and freeze my 4YO and save him for Christmas dinner.
I am not a bad mother. I am merely an un-empathetic psychological researcher studying the effects of stress I have on my kids.
3YO came downstairs to proudly exclaim that he brushed his penis with his brother’s toothbrush.
So. There’s that.
Him: Your relationship with your kids is weird.
ME: Yah, well, my kids are weird. They started it.
ME: I don’t really like giving you a bite off my spoon. My spoon, my rules.
13YO: Yah, well I didn’t really LIKE coming out of your vagina either.
ME: My vagina, my rules?
Dear child, the MUGGLES were from the Harry Potter series. The MONGOLS were the barbarians invading China.
I’m being reprimanded by the 3YO over my not allowing him to play Angry Birds on my iPod Touch. Neither of which I’ve ever had.
ME TEXTING: I was sleeping when you called, you suck.
12YO: Haha, sucker! LOL I love you mom.
ME: I love you too, Man Nugget.
12YO: Man nugget?
ME: Well fine, if you prefer Mini Sperm Shooter…
12YO: OMG mom!
I sometimes tell my kids “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid” just because it’s hilariously confusing to children to have mom make some and then hear that randomly.
15YO: Did you see I hung the towel this time?
ME: I see you left the light on.
15YO: Perfection wasn’t built in a day.
ME: Apparently it wasn’t built in 15 years either.
“Cookies for breakfast? Why not? It’s what the elves do.”
(Coolest mom award.)
3YO stripped naked and is upstairs yelling at phantom brothers and dog who are not there. And I’m totally okay with this.
In the epic war of toddlers versus time zones, battles are always lost because toddlers do NOT understand time zones.
“Wan’ call Granny?”
“Granny’s sleeping!”
“Wan’ call Granny?”
(sighs) “Granny’s sleeping, Buggy.”
“Wan’ call Granny?”
“Granny’s sleeping.”
“Wan’ call Granny?”
“Granny’s sleeping.”
“Wan’ call Granny?”
“But Granny’s sleeping.”
“Wan’ call Granny?”
“Granny’s sleeping, Honey.”
Add infinitum until suitable distraction is found…
First kid stumbles over to us at the pool with foot pain.
Then second kid comes over with face pain from being kicked in the pool.
You put the puzzle together.
14YO told me he would be happy to clean his room if I just left him with no food for three days and hid money in there to feed himself with.
3YO doesn’t want a nap, so he’s laying here, sighing dramatically and whispering, “Chesus Chyst” repeatedly.
Thanks to using texting as a parenting tool, I’ve stopped punching my kids in the head. Mostly.
4YO: Mommy, why do you use that thing?
(He’s referring to the toilet seat hygiene paper. You know, the stuff that’s nearly impossible to use, falls part way in the water, then sticks to your butt when you stand up, drizzling stank water on the back of your pants.)
ME: Because it keeps mommy clean, Hon.
So he yells, “So you can keep your butt clean? Ahha hahahahaaaa. You’re silly, mommy.”
My kid named a new Pokemon character ‘Pungi’ and I told him that sounds like what I get under my boobs when I sweat too much.
Who turned my 3YO into a hippie? I swear he thrust his lil fingers in the air and said, “Peace and freedom!”
“Is that a PB&J in your pocket, or are you just happy to feed me?”
(I like to encourage them to make their own food.)
The verdict is in, my 9YO has poison oak on his face.
Poison oak rashes are disgusting and uncomfortable and he’s starting to weep, and by weep I mean ooze.
Last night the oldest boys were trying to re-nickname him ‘bubbles’ or ‘blemish’.
He’s trying to pull the sympathy card and not do anything, but I told him, “Go throw your trash away, you’re not sick, you’re just poisoned. And yes, you look like a leper, but you’re not sick.”
(I still think the rash was caused by sarcasm though.)
12YO: Dude, hide the crack, mom’s home!
Dads, until your kid tells you he likes how cool your deepest stretch marks are, you can never complain about parenting hell.
13YO made a nest in the corner of the living room out of blankets and dog beds for himself. Yah, that’s about right.
5YO called me from his dad’s phone to ruminate about ‘the cup that covers my penis’. He had put the cup on for T-ball for the first time and it blew his mind.
Boys are fun.
(The next morning he was still ruminating on his baseball ‘cup’, except it was now called a ‘penis hat’.)
Overheard in the snack aisle:
KID: Cheese balls…
MOM: Unhealthy balls. (innuendo implied)
(I’m SO glad I’m not the only one who says stuff like that to my kids.)
ME (laughing): You’re an asshole.
16YO: I know. I like being one.
It may be a little slice of hell having me as a mom sometimes. But at least it’s a hell full of love.
Even on this gloomy day the sun is s,hining in my house. I have a little spunknugget toddler who is laughing at my attempts to sing and making fun of me when I trip on things.
12YO and I came up with a new show concept called, “So You Think You Can Survive My Mother?”
“I don’t think I want to be a ninja. I kind of like that horrified look on your face when you see me coming.”
ME: Do you want me to come back there?! I’m not kidding!
5YO: Hmm… let me check my schedule.
“Let’s just forget I was a hosebeast yesterday and start fresh, okay?”
(Me teaching the kids about forgiveness.)
ME: Wow, look at her hair!
13YO: So cool.
ME: She’s got all the colors of my favorite kind of candy cane. And now I want to suck on her head.
13YO: As if that’s a new thing.
Check out the next convos page here.