What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.
9YO: The dog farts a lot when you’re around, Mom. You should take him to the vet.
Toddler would like you to know two things:
And he says it’s “Sooo pretty!”
“Hamburger Helper has never lifted one fat finger for me.”
(Me getting tired of cooking for the kids.)
15YO calls me VaGina in public and has apparently passed the torch to my 9YO now.
So the Toddler has the cutest little nickname: Penis Stretching Satan’s Spawn.
(Having a 2YO like him is great birth control.)
18YO: I call her bitchmagee…
ME: Oh that’s a cute one. Save it for when I see you in person.
Question is, will I be the first mom to murder her son for repeat farting offenses in close quarters? And will I get a movie of the week?
ME: You’re trying REAL hard to be funny, but you’re not.
13YO: You’re trying REAL hard to be a mom, but you’re not.
10YO: He’s got a point.
15YO: Mom, if I brought a bag of Vicodin home from school you’d tell me not to buy drugs and then ask me to give you half my bag.
ME: That’s called Quality Control. Parents must keep our kids safe.
“Of course I’m mocking you. I always do. But what do you mean in THIS instance?”
(More bonding time with my favorite 17YO.)
“Sometimes you have stupid things coming out of your mouth when your diaphragm pushes them past your vocal cords.”
(Me teaching my kid about anatomy.)
ME: You have sun damage…
16YO: (fart) There’s your sun damage.
ME: I’ll SON damage you…
16YO: Son damage. Ha. I see what you did there.
3YO SITTING IN DOG CRATE: Close this on there.
ME: You want to be locked in the dog crate?
ME: Well, okay. I mean pick your battles, right? Why argue? it’s not child abuse if you ask for it.
8YO: I’m saving myself for my 30s. That’s why I am lazy now, there are a lot of things I want to do later.
“This house is such a mess, we could use a swarm of locusts right now. And by swarm of locusts, I mean kids that are cleaning.”
There are days I’m so tired I only take questions from the kids that can be answered with a blank stare. But here are some random examples of how I’ve answered some of my kids’ questions:
- More is not always less. Or something like that.
- Just never you mind, kumquat.
- Why? Because hedgehogs are cute. I don’t know… don’t ask me questions.
- You really shouldn’t pet the petty.
- Ever feel like an unpopped zit? That.
- Because I’m a princess, dammit!
- Because 7-11 breeds interesting people late at night.
- I’m not going to hell because I don’t fit in a handbasket.
- ‘Pulled pork’ has never sounded okay to me.
TODDLER: Hi, my name’s Lachlan. I am stupid.
ME: Um…sooo, which sibling do I get to blame for this one?
16YO and I discussed the nuances of being poor as shit, literally.
(Yet another reason to love his crafty mind.)
My kids are fairly rabid.
4YO will be very popular with an amazing crowd someday with his penchant for sarcastic wit, cigarettes, and booze.
16YO says having 193 things I’ll never watch in my Netflix queue is just crazy.
But his queue looks like a serial killer’s.
(So who’s crazy now?)
“Stop talking about titties. You have reached your titty talking limit for the day.”
(As a woman, a mom can only take so much from her teens, even when she’s a comedian, but this was from the 5YO…)
In the words of my wise friend, “Parenting is so…. yesterday.”
“Tell someone not to be a ‘moist cloaca’ and then once you explain it, they will never ever forget it. Or you.”
(Me teaching the 15YO how to win friends and influence people.)
3YO’s off the hook today!
Not terrible, just tossing me the weirdest serial killer looks and mumbling about chocolate…
(Which sounds a lot like me.)
7YO: You’re the best mom.
ME: Thanks for stroking my ego. I like unexpected petting.
I have four kids and yes, I do tell other adults that I ‘have to go potty’ and they’re okay with it. They just nod and understand.
ME: Sometimes having smart kids just isn’t worth the trouble, yo.
14YO: I take great offense to that.
ME: My patience is being tested tonight. I don’t like tests much.
6YO: Kindergarten tests are fun.
11YO SON: I’m the cat lady in the family.
“I already work my magic on embarrassing his older brothers as often as possible.”
(It’s my right. It’s my gift. It’s where I get the will to go on…)
15YO: You hate me.
ME: No way! I love you. And I don’t hate you any more than I hate your brothers.
3YO: I need cherry pie.
ME: That didn’t work on me in the 90s and it still doesn’t.
ME: You’re interrupting my chi.
ME: Stop touching my chi with your funk.
ME: Also, what is my chi?
Sometimes when I’m lacking in parenting patience and skills I just think, “Oh well, screw these ones, there’s always the grandkids.”
This week I’m going to win disagreements like my 3YO.
I’m going to plead pitifully, “Pweez wisten, pweeze wisten,” while twirling my tear-soaked hair.
(Everyone is going to fall all over themselves to give me whatever I want.)
17YO: I don’t understand why I hurt myself all.the.time!
ME: Because you’re like me. I’m not medically required to wear a helmet but I should be.
NEIGHBOR: What are you learning in school?
6YO: I’m learning Spanish.
NEIGHBOR: What Spanish words have you learned?
6YO: I know all of the Spanish that I know.
NEIGHBOR: Yes, you definitely do.
Today my children should be neither seen nor heard. But as a good mom, I’ll allow video and audio-taping so I can see and hear them later when I’m up to it.
16YO: Just listen to me, okay?
ME: But concentrating hurts so hard. And I’m sure I’m just doing it wrong.
“Hey, mom, can you help me save my mule?”
(The downside to letting your 13YO on Facebook.)
Check out the next convos page here.