What you might want to know about this series of convos and anecdotes.
There’s a whole category chugging along of this smartassery, yo! Check it out.
And if you haven’t yet, read this: I used to judge momsters like me too.
ME: You’re not wearing any pants?
13YO: Nope, going to school without them.
ME: Okay, it’s really hot anyway.
Have my kids sucked all of my important brain cells out through the umbilical cord? It seems plausible and I’d love to blame them.
ME: A talking penis would be annoying, and yet you have to admit it would be funny to hear it talk when ‘muffled.’
16YO: Please stop. I’m not in the mood.
ME: I haven’t really thought it through well enough but, if your penis could speak, it would say very funny things for sure.
16YO: Alright, you got me on that one.
I’ve done my part providing a few testosterone riddled children for our race.
8YO said, “Doesn’t mom look buff?” when pointing to my arm fat and 2YO pointed to his butt and said, “Mommy looks like butt?”
KID: Don’t you care?
ME: I’m saving all of my pity for myself.
Sometimes I wish I was into spanking my children.
But I don’t spank my kids with anything more than sarcasm.
Here are some fantabulously effective (or not) phrases I’ve used disciplining my kids:
- I cobra strike you with my fingers. Pfft. Pfft.
- I’m a mom. I can stare at you until it burns.
- I suddenly have the urge to go cow tipping. And you’re the cow.
- Don’t make me show you my angry face.
- Nah, I’m just kidding. You suck.
- I am filled with shock and awe. Shock and awe fill me.
- I used to be a good mom. Don’t worry, I’m over it.
- How about my kids stop fucking up my shit. How about that?
- You don’t win points for making it look difficult.
- Strike that from the record. The jury will disregard your statement.
There was a time when people asked how old my youngest was and I’d tell them ‘he’s in the naked years.’
They seemed to understand.
And you know, I learned a whole lot from his naked years.
Like when I used the hose on the patio and my clothes got covered with tiny ants; whereas he taught me just to go out there naked like he did.
My neighbors were not a fan, but I had fewer pest issues.
ME: You’re forgiven for being a knucklebutt today.
3YO: You put knuckle in my butt? You silly.
5YO is yelling, “Make it rain!” so I think he has an excellent start on his future career in (adult) entertainment.
ME TO 3YO: Knick knack, paddy whack, leave the dog ALONE.
I adore my kids, I just don’t always like it when they talk to me.
12YO: Mom, could your imaginary boyfriend come over for dinner again sometime?
9YO: You’re the one with the heavy grip.
ME: I don’t have a ‘grip’ on too many things, really.
After this many kids and lost teeth, I’m like, “Just here, have a dollar from my purse. Gimme the tooth. I’ll talk to the freaking fairy myself.”
ME: Go to bed or I’ll eat you.
17YO: Not much left… You already ate my soul.
Whenever I leave my kids for errands, I leave Family Guy on so there’s a really good parental influence in the house at all times.
And so it begins, 11YO just texted me his first ‘ROTFL’…..le sigh.
ME: I’m sorry I’m so sick too. I want to take care of you guys.
6YO: You can be sorry, but you’re still awesome.
I had to tell my 3YO to stop trolling for meds.
I’m sure he just likes the flavor, but perhaps I should worry about his future.
My kids call me Truffles after this screeching fairy character. You know that’s hilarious if you’ve ever watched Chowder.
ME: One more time and I’m going to put you in time out.
3YO: Yah! I got one more time!
I think my 2YO told me he was gonna kick my ass.
“It’s annoying me that you’re breathing today. Stop it.”
(We try, but they never listen.)
15YO: Are you going to have to get a job?
ME: For 12 years my main job was placenta making. I was pretty good at it, but the pay was shit. So yah, I’m trying to pick up some more writing gigs now.
8YO: Mom, he’s watching BARNEY! Remember our family doesn’t allow that because of my former addiction?
I had to take three kids to a clothing store. I made them look me in the eye and swear to me that they would be civil in this store, as parents are eternally optimistic, even after years of torture. Like a prisoner of war, we always think maybe today is the day.
“Just stop. Don’t mess around. You’re just a freak. I’ll play with your hair.”
(3YO possibly trying to parent me.)
12YO: I’m gonna time myself to see how fast I can eat this.
ME: Make sure you choke on it so I can pay for a burger AND an ambulance.
“My car smells like ass. I don’t know whose ass, but definitely someone that stinks and someone in here with me.”
(Me discussing proper hygiene etiquette with the kids.)
3YO has been trying to put me in Time Out for several minutes.
Joke’s on him, I put myself there an hour ago and don’t plan on moving for a while.
9YO: Good job, Mom. You almost sounded sincere that time.
(He’s a sarcasm ninja.)
I let my teens play Call of Duty so they learn how to shit talk.
5YO broke his clavicle playing.
“I fell,” is all he’s saying.
He’s threatening to lawyer up if I try to get him to tell me how he did it.
(At this point my 5YO’s had so many x-rays in his life, you shouldn’t stand next to him if you’re pregnant.)
ME: Oooh, what a nice polar bear with a unicorn horn!
8YO: It’s a rhinoceros.
8YO: See, here’s his butt crease. Some might think these are fart lines I drew, but they’re actually speed lines.
My teen named his new turtle “Horny.” Well okay then.
The name had something to do with the shell, but when I told him ‘Horny is adorable’, and I did mean the turtle, but he got the point.
Check out the next convos page here.